Until I began working with Ané "single" was a deep dark cupboard I didn't dare to look in, I had become aware of being something of a dating addict, there always had to be a man on the scene because when there weren't the feelings and beliefs when there wasn't were unbearable – "I am worthless, nobody wants me, the only way I can access intimacy is by selling my body…" at the same time as being a serial dater the goal of having a long term relationship felt both essential and impossible leading to a lot of inner tension and discomfort.
Working with Ané provided me with a safe container in which to face these uncomfortable beliefs and discover what was behind them.
I was surprised to discover that these beliefs had a lot more to do with my relationship with my parents than anything to do with men. The work has been a lot about re-parenting myself, consciously reminding myself of my good qualities and giving myself love.
I have to admit to again sliding into crisis when finishing the sessions with Ané, descending into another layer of facing aloneness but somehow I have managed to find a way of loving myself here, the fact that I now feel comfortable with myself as a single person is huge progress. I still find it difficult to believe that I will ever have a long term relationship but I can see myself having fulfilling and satisfying future.
A friend said to me yesterday that "it's enjoyable to be around people who allow themselves to be liked" I notice I do some of the time but not others. This feels like the next layer of work for me, more fully allowing myself to be liked.
I notice myself now being able to say no easily to men who consciously or unconsciously want to take advantage of me, my sense of self is strong enough now that I don't need to desperately seek affirmation from men who are half interested – it feels good to say goodbye to this behaviour!