001 Why your relationships start with you
Why your relationships start with you
When it comes to love, dating and relationships there are a few things I know for sure and for today's episode I'm going to share some of these thoughts with you - if you can relate, please do let me know - and I would certainly like to hear some of your thoughts as well!
One of my big mantras is that your relationships start with one person only - and that is you.
I want to talk to you about what that looks like and what it actually involves. You see - while I was always very responsible in other areas of my life (I am an eldest child after all!) I've learnt that when it came to my close relationships I gave up some of this responsibility and accountability to myself - to whoever I was with at the time.I had expectations of somebody else to make me feel the way I wanted to feel, and experience the type of relationship I wanted to experience. It wasn't as if I didn't put in the work - to the contrary! I tried so hard to do better and better, and do more and be more, but it was always about somebody else first. I had no idea what I was actually all about when it came to love - and I just kind of bumbled through at times.Here are a few key points to consider when you think about your role in your relationships:
- There is no substitute and no shortcut for taking the time and doing the work that it takes for you to become fully self aware and conscious of what makes you tick when it comes to love. This means taking responsibility for the only thing in your life that you can control: yourself, your stuff, your choices and decisions, and your actions.
- You are the only one creating your dating and relationship reality right now and you have the power to create it the way you want it - you are not powerless and you can change it today. Sometimes it may mean asking for help and that's absolutely ok. Just make sure you do it and that you pick the right person to support you.
- You are the one making the choices you are making - what I am saying is that when you look back in 2/5/10/30 years from now that you chose your future and that you didn't let somebody else decide for you or that you didn't buy into anybody else's idea of what your life should look like.
I also want to be clear that I don't believe that anybody absolutely needs to be in a relationship for them to be happy.To me this is what it means to be 'ready for love' - it means living your life exactly the way you want to live it and how you LOVE your life, it means letting go of the past and creating space for somebody to come into your life on every level.What I do believe in is that creating a single life you love can exponentially increase your chances of attracting somebody in line with what you want - should that be what you want.A 'Ready for Love' life means falling in love with yourself and your life - and love will follow in the most unexpected and beautiful ways - I see this happen all the time. It also means acute self awareness, knowledge and understanding - of what I call your emotional blueprint. Your deepest beliefs about life, love, relationships, sex, men, women… this is your story and much of this subconsciously drive your choices and decisions when it comes to love.There is no place for ambivalence when it comes to love - and especially commitment. You're whether in or you're out. If you say you want a committed relationship - then get out and proactively make it happen. If you're not sure how - that is where I come in!
If you project and communicate ambivalence that is what you will attract. If what you say and do are two different things, chances are that you will attract somebody who will do the same to you.Unfortunately so many have us have been so hurt in our earliest relationship experiences, childhood and beyond - and many, if not most of us come from homes where we didn't have the most positive and nurturing relationship experiences we would've loved to have. I can courtly relate to that. Instead - somewhere along the line we got hurt and we make up our stories about what we believe about life, love and relationships - and that becomes our story.
It becomes our blueprint for life and love - whether it is constructive or not. And by the time that we are adults most of this happens subconsciously.We go from relationship to relationship often without really being consciously aware of why we do what we do - and why we love who we love, or how we love. Maybe you're coming up against your own habits and patterns over and over - your 'love blocks' as I call them - and it is my aim to bring you knowledge and understanding and skill to help you unravel these and do things differently.There are a lot of people on the dating scene who are hurting - and who are causing a huge amount of hurt to themselves and the people they are dating. There are many reasons for this - and not taking the time out to get clarity on who they really are, what hey want - and most importantly what they bring to a relationship is a very big one.
Building the strongest foundation you possibly can in yourself means you will make different choices and decisions when you choose your next partner.
As I said before - when your singe life is in the best possible place it can be you exponentially increase then chances of meeting somebody that is aligned to the life you ultimately want to live. My podcast is just one small way I hope I can contribute to help you build that strong foundation.The work I do with my clients goes far beyond the tactics and strategies and tips that may bring only quick or superficial solutions.It's great to know how to approach somebody at a party, how to flirt or what to say - but if your underlying belief system and depth of relationship knowledge and understanding of YOUR individual emotional and relationship blueprint is out of place, or misplaced - you may well end up sabotaging yourself or end up in a cycle of one-off dates or dead-end, often toxic relationships. Maybe you can relate to this? I absolutely can - this was my life before.So I want to encourage you to just take your time and get some really clear on where YOU are at this stage of your life.
Stop wasting your time on people that are not right for you or who make you feel like you're hard to love or unlovable, insecure and doubting yourself.
Imagine what your life could be like 3-6-9 months from now if you decide to make a change today.Let me know what you decide - I would love to hear from you!
Remember you can email me at ane@datingcoach.uk or reach me on twitter @datingcoach - any questions, suggestions and ideas for the podcast more than welcome!Until next time - sending you much love and I look forward to speaking to you again soon.Remember to subscribe via iTunes so you can keep up to date with the latest episodes!Sending much Love,
Ané Auret is the Dating and Relationship Coach for high-achieving, conscious and purpose-driven single women looking for a committed relationship.With tailor-made coaching and support I can help you pinpoint why you're still single (or single again!), end the cycle of one-off dates and dead-end relationships and stop wasting your time on attracting the wrong people. Instead you will transform your love life: date with confidence and ease, finally attract the right person for you and create the relationship you want.
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