054: 3 Steps to Rebuilding Your Self-Worth after Toxic Relationships – with Faye Hurley
Many men and women are not aware that they are suffering from toxic relationships. For some, everything that happens within a toxic relationship becomes so normal that they can’t recognize the signs even if it’s right in front of them.
So today we are going to talk about that with my beautiful friend and fellow coach, Faye Hurley, Self-Worth Coach for Business Women with Big Dreams.
In this episode, Faye shares with her personal story of overcoming a dysfunctional childhood and how her childhood experiences led her into toxic adult relationships that included physical abuse, divorce and being abandoned during pregnancy. She also shares with us some of her turning points and rock-bottom moments that became the foundation on which she rebuilt her own life in every way and restored her own self-worth.
So many have suffered (or still suffer) in silence behind closed doors – outwardly living confident, successful lives, and appearing to have everything ‘together’. We’d never identify as being a ‘victim’ and yet we’re caught in toxic, destructive and often abusive relationships, patterns and habits that erode our self-worth to the point that we don’t have the strength to leave.
Until one day the pain simply becomes too great, and we realise there is something more out there. That turning is different for everyone, but it’s only then that we can find the courage to start untangling ourselves and creating a new future, however painful this may be.
Join us to hear 3 of the key steps that Faye took to finally heal from her traumatic past experiences, how she found healthy long-term love and also built the business of her dreams. We also talk about:
- how she became a self-worth coach,
- what self-worth actually means
- how lack of self-worth shows up,
- how to practice self-compassion, and much more.
How Lack Of Self-Worth Shows Up
“The signs of low self-worth in women that are successful are the perfectionism, the striving, overworking, being over-responsible. There’s exhaustion and burn-outs, people-pleasing and all sorts of things like that. That’s really how it shows up.
It’s not the stereotypical colored view that you would have of someone with low self-worth, the image that pops into your head of a woman with low self-worth as stereotypically portrayed on TV.”
People define self-worth differently. Some people will class self-esteem as self-worth.
“To me, self-esteem is about how much you like yourself, but it’s based on the external. You’re comparing yourself to other people, and also it’s based on what they feel about you, it’s to do with your achievements, what you have, how you look, and so on and so forth.
That makes you feel that you have to fit in, having to strive to be perfect, and competing that you’re separate from other people.
Self-worth is internal. It’s your inherent, intrinsic value, and when you have that self-worth you will be unconditionally loving towards yourself.
Like I said, low self-worth equals conditional love, and obviously having self-worth, healthy self-worth is based on unconditional love, and having compassion for yourself is probably the best way to describe that.”
It’s knowing that you’re valuable, you’re important, and that you matter just simply because you exist and you deserve to have the things that you desire simply because you exist, you don’t have to prove yourself or strive and work hard in order to receive those things.
3 Steps To Restore And Rebuild Your Self-Worth
Faye shares 3 key steps you can take to rebuild your self-worth from the inside out.
Expressing Your Feelings
Acknowledge what you’ve been through, what you’ve experienced, and the critical beliefs that have come out of that experience
What I help my clients to do is to really acknowledge what they’ve been through and not to minimise it anymore – and to start to feel, start to express those emotions. And that also could include things like grief and sadness and anger that tends to come up quite a lot – and could go as far as rage.
But also your passions – the things that you dream of doing, your desires, the things that light you up. With a lot of my clients they really struggled to have fun and to feel that it’s okay to do that and to follow their passions, and all that emotional expression is really the first step to really transforming your self-worth.
Shame is the complete opposite of praise, so if you want to restore your self-worth, you need to start praising yourself more, and be kind to yourself and accept yourself. Really start stepping into that self-compassion, even with things like receiving compliments.
The third step is about really allowing yourself to start receiving, and boundaries is one of the best ways to do that. The overlap between worthiness and receiving is this “boundaries” piece.
There’s a saying, “And excellent receiver has excellent boundaries.”
When you are a doer or an overgiver, you attract takers, and that is only going to reinforce these walls. If you’re surrounded by people who keep taking from all the time, you’re going to end up feeling angry and resentful and those walls are going to carry on being built up and reinforced.
Whereas when you learn to receive, then you attract givers. That reinforces trust in other people.
The best way to attract those people is to have strong boundaries. Again, it goes back to the start with getting clear on what it is that you truly want.
Connect with Faye Hurley
Reach out to Faye through her website for more information about her new program
“Heal Your Heart, Receive Love”
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